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waitress assigned kin
As someone who’s worked in several cafes, I’m mad at how accurate this is.
I will forever remember the time my friend and I were out for chinese food. we got up to pay and I (the short one with bottom energy i guess?) revealed that I would be paying for the meal, and the elderly man at the counter just flat out said “Oh, YOU’RE the boss!”
abac (assigned bottom at chili’s)
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Mostly Harmless
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That’s it. That’s the dream. I’m almost mad that that’s the dream.
Harley Quinn who recently kidnapped Bruce Wayne and texted Scarecrow to meet her: “Alright Brucie Boy, you’re probably wondering why I kidnapped you, and don’t worry! It’s not for anything "villainous” or the like. You might not remember it but I remember me and you being in med school together along with Crane and I thought we could form a club since we never got to start one in school since you dipped in the middle of the year!“
Scarecrow who just walked in: "That’s seriously why we’re here? I thought you needed my help. You said it was urgent.”
Harley holding up a tote bag: “It is urgent! I made t-shirts and I need to know if they fit!”
Bruce who honestly just wanted a nap: “Let’s just see the shirts Quinzel.”
Scarecrow: You’re actually going along with this!?“
Bruce raising a brow and looking down at the rooes that are binding him to a chair: "I don’t have much of a choice…”
Scarecrow: “…Fair point. Okay Harley show us the shirts.”
Harley pulls out a crop top shirt proudly, it’s half red, half black that has ‘OFFICIAL FUCK FREUD CLUB’ on the chest: “I got em personalized! Bruce gets a black turtleneck because he was the soft goth boy in med school and he’s still a little goth baby. John you get a flannel that has the sayin’ on the back! Aren’t they cute?”
Bruce remembering how much he hated Freud and having to listen to his methods and ideas in school, and how he, Harley, and John would shit talk him in their study group: “Okay I actually love this idea and the shirts.”
Scarecrow trying to hide how touched he is: “You got me flannel?”
Scarecrow, after 3 hours of group bitching: I still cant believe you’re willing to do this- Harleen and I are Super Villains now!
Bruce, having been untied and drinking the Irish coffee Harly brought out: A) I have never had any sense of self preservation-
Harley: Which we remember vividly!
Bruce: -and B) I run a multimillion dollar company while having at least 5 kids; you dont know how much chaos I have to put up with on a daily basis. This is a vacation by comparison.
Harley: Wait - what do you mean by “at least” 5 kids???
Bruce: I do not adopt these children. They adopt me.
Harley: Okay you have to be bullshitting me.
Bruce: One day a blonde one named Stephanie just showed up at my house with my middle child saying they were dating, they broke up like a month later but she hasn’t left yet.
Harley: …honey I’m pretty sure that’s a home invasion-
Bruce: I mean my butler did give her a room and I offered to adopt her, but she refused that…however she’s still there and stealing my coffee every week so I don’t know.
Harley: …why-
Bruce: Her Father’s Cluemaster.
Harley: Oh FUCK that guy. Yeah, give that poor sweetie some hugs and a college education, stat.
Harley: *pulls out a massive fucking psychology textbook*
Harley: In the meantime let’s talk about your rampant abandonment issues and repressed desire for a family!
Bruce: Oh christ not again.
Scarecrow: Finally! Time to get to the fun part!
Harley knows full well that Bruce is Batman but enjoys the game too much to ruin it by saying anything out loud.
Scarecrow still has no idea, and does not notice the striking similarity between the array of orphans at Wayne Manor and the costumed children running around the city with weapons every night.
allthebestscreennamesaregone63:
Somebody PLEASE tell me this is not an edit
I can 100% confirm that this is real
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